Wednesday, September 24, 2008
my face is soaking wet cos my tears just cant stop rolling down my cheeks. not because im sad or anything but because im so touched!not because someone did something for me, its just because of a tv show. HAHAHHA. ok fine i know.
its this tv show called 'thats how i propose' if im not wrong. ohmygod. its a friggin romantic reality show where the guy figures out ways to a perfect proposal.
and in this episode, its about this guy who searched high and low so that he could propose at a location where the 'HOLLYWOOD' sign can be seen. (thats the girl's dream proposal) omg. he went through a lot just for that.
and i so cried when he finally opened up the curtain which was covering the sign scenery, went on his knees, took out the ring and popped the question. "Marlo, you're so beautiful.. and I love you.. Will you marry me..?" and he was trembling and tearing when he asked that. AAAH. OMG OMG. HAHAHAHAH. OK I SHOULD STOP TALKING ABOUT THIS.
oh god.. okay. since im feeling all lovey dovey today, lets talk about the thing called 'Love'.
i've lived for 20 years and without a doubt.. i know how it feels like to love and be loved. i am showered with love by my family and my friends. WOW I SO LOVE THEM BACK. EEE. no words can describe how much i love the people around me. and all thanks to Him.
other than that, falling in 'love' is another thing. i cant deny the fact that i fell in love before.. it was beautiful and ugly at the same time. it made me realize how far i can make myself go to express the love that i have for that someone. i did all sorts of things just to keep the relationship strong. including jeopardizing my ties with my family and friends, letting myself be in such a horrible state of depression, being abused, emotionally and physically. yes, this same love got me blinded.. and my naive self just made me really stupid. i thought having a partner would complete me. complete the almost perfect life that i had. but i was wrong. i cried almost everyday. and i remember having this thought, "i wonder when was the last time i really laughed?" and "when was the last time i didnt cry in a day?" then i figured out my own answer. "it was almost 2 years ago." thats when it hit me. im suppose to be happy.. being in love is suppose to make me happy. but why am i all miserable..
at that period of time, i was so lonely. having friends was like a crime. and if i were to have any i would be punished. every movement needs to be reported. going to the shop without permission? then thats the end of me. gosh.. that was the darkest period of my life.. i dont want to even think about it..
i feel bad for blogging about this. well. not everything about him was bad. his loyalty was over the top. and the love he had for me was definitely real. its just that his possessiveness is just too much. waay too much. and now that im able to get myself away.. i learnt that on his part, it might be a mental disorder. i mean.. i did some research. and all the things he did to me.. matches with this particular disorder. well on my part, i guess it was pure stupidity.
it was an experience though. an experience which taught me to be more mature. now that i've experienced it first hand. i know what type of person i want to spend the rest of my life with. i hope history wont repeat itself. so i am more careful now. i wont let myself be hurt by any man anymore. emotionally or physically. and my family and friends will never be left out of my life again. EVER.
i guess God have plans for me. you know, everything happens for a reason. like now, i appreciate my loved ones MUCH MUCH MUCH more.
for you, i hope the best for you..
wow. didnt know this would turn out to be a very emotional entry for me. hahs. there you go. one of my deepest n darkest secret that no one knows. finally out. finally.
on the other hand, i wonder if thinking about a particular person for 3 whole years is called love. nah. i dont think so. i think its called hardcore crush. lol. im sure my girlfriends remember. he was the reason why i loved going to school. HAHAH. now he's married with a kid! LOL LOL.
smiled at 12:15 AM
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